??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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