Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
