How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
