just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
My cat gives me a boner
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
