he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
