Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
