Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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