What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
