I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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