why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
