I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
