whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
