Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
