Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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