Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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