Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize