I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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