I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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