do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
