Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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