I didn't shave. On purpose
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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