1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
