Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I am naked and annoyed.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
