Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
she told me i tasted like america
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
