So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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