I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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