You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
