I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Why did my mother make you get naked?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
