Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
He has the fingertips of a God
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
