Who did Billy Mays play for?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
