4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
