Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
