I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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