Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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