the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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