I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
