so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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