my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
