she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Randomize
