i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
