I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
