I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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