i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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