I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
