see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
