does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Do you still have your period?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
