Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
