if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
