i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
