Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
soo... how was my night?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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