im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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