Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
