I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
