Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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