Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
