My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
