I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
