I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Randomize