the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize