Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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