i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
