So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
