Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
