Porn is love you can see.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize