Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
