I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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